Chat History
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How could he have been so careless? He was sure you were just behind him, so he stopped paying attention to you after a while and concentrated on moving forward...apparently for too long.
He should've watched you more closely, stayed beside you longer, he should've called for your name, to make sure you were keepping up, more often and he should've ignored Reiner when he was teasing him about babying you, and telling him to just mind his own buisness and try to finish his own training exercize.
Bertholdt scolded himself as he tied up his fur-stuffed high boots.
Berthold remuginated on his memories as he prepared his gear and dressed up to head out of the cabins and face the cold storm that waited for him outside.
Keith Sadist had warned them of the dangers of this specific task at hand, and how a strong storm was coming down on the exact location they needded to get to, how the night would fall quicker than usual on the mountains they were walking trough. He even told the cadets in his most serious tone that he wouldn't be surprised if a few recruits wouldn't come out alive of this exercise.
Bertholdt mentally punched himself for underastimating the exercise. For thinking that everyone would be fine with such a dangerous, hard training.
He could've sworn that as he kept on walking beside Reiner, leaving you walking among the others, he could still hear your voice, and to ease his nerves he would also glance back at you, making sure you were keepping up fine with the walk of everyone. When did he stop checking? At what point he tought you would be just fine? At what moment the soft murmur of your voice became so muffled by his stuffed hoodie that covered his ears to the point that it became inaudible...?
It was now late night, you've been lost for an hour and half, or at least, that's when the latest of the group said when they started to loose track of you. As everyone reached the cabins the tormenta didn't seem to stop, and you also didn't seem to show up. That's when Bertholdt started to grow more and more nervous, felling his heartbeat race in his chest, and feelling a knot in his stomach that he could only define as an unpleasant, gut feelling that made him sense something was wrong, something bad happened. Even tough he insisted and almost started screaming back at the instructors(before Reiner stopped him, not to get him punished or get a bad grade after talking back on his superiors for a stupid outburst. Outburst that Bertholdt didn't find "stupid" in the slightest. you was lost in the mountains of an area they hadn't yet percoursed, during a storm, on their own and the teachers wouldn't search for them until morning.) Reiner was able to cut some sense into him just after he whispered in his ear as he held him back by his shoulders:"If you argue with our superiors now, they might take your right to go out without permission, even give you a curfew, and at that point there won't be any chances for you to find you." The only tought made a shiver run down Bertholdt's spine.
The other recruits were still in the mess hall, eating togheter. Bertholdt, on the other hand, couldn't bring himself to eat anything that night, knowing you were out in the cold. He needded to search for you and he needded to do it now. He articulated a specific plan after Reiner listened to him freaking out over you. He would search for you alone as everyone still ate, Reiner insisted on coming, but it would have been more obvious if two cadets were missing instead of one, and Bertholdt was usually silent and would never stand out even tough he was fairly tall and broad. None would suspect a thing. Even if they did, Reiner was sure to cover him by just justifying his absence with a:"oh, he's stuck in the bathroom, he hasn't been feelling well since earlier." Or a:"he was exausthed after the training, he collapsed on the bed and I couldn't manage to wake him up. What? Nono, don't check on him, just let him rest for now. Uh? No, Jean, I'm not being suspicious-" it didn't matter. What matter now was finding you.
Out of anxiety he must've checked his gear and equipment at least five times in three minutes. He was ready to get back there and get you back alive.
He was now in the forest again, following back the footsteps they left during their track that were disappearing under the new laid snow of the storm. The strong light of the lantern he was carrying was illuminating his path as he kept on walking, carefully lookking around his surroundings.
As the only sound hearable by Bertholdt was the strong wind that fell on the forest and the crunch of the snow beneath his feet, that left fertile soul for paranoia to overcome the mind of the brunette.
"What if you slipped on the ice? What if you broke an ankle? Or hit your head as you rolled down the hill? What if you passed out from the cold? The human body temperature lowers to 18° while asleep, you wouldn't even notice when you would start the process of hypotermia-"
The sound of his own heartbeat became more ragged as the worst case scenarios played in his mind, now being the only audible thing as Bertholdt was lost in his toughts. Even his breath became ragged and uneaven to the point where he had to stop and hold himself up on his knees. He felt like he could throw up from the anxiety. His you. His precious you.
If only he could manage to find the courage to tell you how he felt instead of just admiring you from afar and becoming a stuttering mess everytime you approached him. But he felt flattered even being only in your presence. The first time you talked to him he was so shocked he couldn't blur out any words at all, and just responded with a nod and an ackward shrug of his shoulders.
Tears dared to fall from his eyes as his vision became blurry. His nose burned from the cold as he fought back the hiccups that were beginning to build up in his troath. How could he manage to find you in these conditions? He needded to get himself togheter, grow a pair and continue to search for you... But how could he when memories replayed in his minds, of your warm smile as you two excahnged your small conversations, how your eyes would light up everytime you talked about your interests, how your voice changed depending on how happy you were, the smell of your hair after your late-night showers, the sound of your footsteps-
Fuck.
"you..." *Bertholdt broke down into tears as each passing second he was more and more sure of the fact that if you weren't dead yet, you were suffering...on your own, scared and cold. And it was his fault. Why did he insist on going alone if his emotions got in the way so easily? Why didn't he ask Reiner to take his place? He made so little progress and he was already breaking down, sobbing as you were out there in the cold. Why? Was it an internalized desire to make himself worthy in your eyes? Wanting to save you, make it seem like he could protect you from this world? An egoistical desire that was leading to your death, and guilt was now crashing down on Bertholdt like heavy rain.
"you...oh, you-" his voice broke mid sentence, overcommed by other sobs as tears fell from his eyes onto the snow without him having to bat his eyes. What a pathetic sight. He needded to calm down, he had to calm down, or it would be too la-
"Bert..." Bertholdt's head sprung up like an old spring-toy. Was he allucinating? Was he also entering the syntoms of hypotermia or did he really just hear your voice-
"Bert..." another one. Bertholdt used is sleeve to messily and harshly wipe his face of tears and snot as he lookked over his surroundings.
"you..? you!!"
His voice became louder ad he called your name and used his hands to amplificate the sound.
That's when he saw a hand peaking from behind a tree. Oh sweet Ymir. Bertholdt rushed over to you as you layed face down in the snow, curled up to yourself as you had little to no more strenght to keep walking, or even hold yourself up.
Bertholdt wanted to pass out as all of his anxiety died down so quickly. He kept his hands over you as his lower lip trebled. He found you. He did it. Oh sweet Ymir. It took him a moment to actually touch you and rool you over, afraid he could just break you with a touch of his finger, as if you were made of the finest porcelain. He couldn't stop trembling. "you, what happened...?" His voice still sounded breathy and broken after the loud crying session of a few moments ago. He hoped he lookked presentable to the slightest, or that you were too tired to notice that his face was a mess. Blush covered his cheek from having you so close to him, and of course, the cold. is eyes were red and watery, just like his nose, that was still dripping slightly from the remains of the breakdown of before.
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